Templars are all given lyrium when they take their vows. It enhances their abilities but it is... addictive. You saw firsthand the lengths that an addict will go to get their hands on it again.
And as you can probably guess, there is no lyrium on the ship.
[ It's fortunate for Hawke that their exchange is happening via text, because she's frozen with uncertainty and concern when she reads those words. Maker knows how he'd feel if he could see the look on her face right now. ]
Just tell me what you need. Whatever it is, I'll do it.
Edited (that wasn't the icon i wanted!!) on 2015-02-04 12:54 am (UTC)
[It wasn't easy when he went to Cassandra. It's not any easier now.]
I have seen men fall to madness or die without it. I will not do the same. What I need is someone to ensure that I do not become a danger to those around me- and if I do, to remove me as a threat. Can you do that?
[ That is a very excellent question. Back in Kirkwall, she wouldn't have hesitated to assure him that yes, she could absolutely eliminate him if he became a threat to those around him. But... people from Thedas are hard to come by these days. And people she considers friends are an even slimmer population now than before. ]
Only if I must. But know that I will not give up on you without a fight, Captain.
[He appreciates the sentiment, but not as much as he's grateful for the promise. This is what he needs to hear right now.]
There are... signs to watch for. Forgetting things. Paranoia. Violence. I once read an account of someone who could not distinguish reality from dreams. I have been monitoring myself, but if my judgement is compromised then you will have to step in.
I regret that I have to ask this of you, but I know no one better suited to the task. I know that we were not exactly friends in Kirkwall, but I respect you a great deal.
[ The idea that there's no one better suited to kill a friend socks Hawke right in the gut. Isn't it her failure in this very category that's caused Sebastian to stop speaking to her? And what if she had gone through with it and killed Anders? Could she live with herself now? Can she live with herself if she has to put Cullen down?
There's no sense dwelling on that. There isn't. It's not happened yet, and if she has her way (which is admittedly rarely anymore), it won't happen at all. ]
I assure you this respect is mutual. You're a good man, Cullen. I have every faith that you will rise above this, but I will be here if you fall.
[He might prefer- well, imprisonment or something to outright killing, but the implication is there. If he needs to be put down, then he trusts Hawke to do it. It's less that he thinks she's heartless and more that he trusts her to do what's right, even at the expense of... well, him.
It's not an easy thing to ask, but it's necessary.]
Thank you.
Also, before... you called me Captain. Since I left the Order, that is no longer my rank.
I will. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. When I remember you in Kirkwall...
I suppose it might be a moot point now. Regardless, I wanted to tell you that when I left the Order in Kirkwall, that was when I stopped taking lyrium. Not because I was transported here. It was a personal decision that I will continue to stand by, and so this... whatever happens on the ship the choice was originally my own. That matters to me, even if I can no longer control it.
[He's... not sure what to say in response to that, or how to feel. Cullen remembers a woman who didn't want to be a hero, rising up and taking control of the situation, doing the right thing when he could not. How could she say such things about him now?
Sentimentality is something that they can rarely afford. Cullen forces the feeling away before replying.]
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ninetydegrees
text
on 2015-02-03 11:39 pm (UTC)[Look who learned how to use his communication device!]
I do not wish to trouble you but I feel the matter is important.
no subject
on 2015-02-03 11:47 pm (UTC)[ Look who is so fucking proud of you! ]
no subject
on 2015-02-03 11:51 pm (UTC)[Right. Deep breaths, and-]
You remember Samson. How he begged for coin to feed his addiction?
no subject
on 2015-02-03 11:52 pm (UTC)I do.
[ And she already doesn't like where this is headed. Samson was a Templar, like Cullen. ]
no subject
on 2015-02-04 12:05 am (UTC)And as you can probably guess, there is no lyrium on the ship.
no subject
on 2015-02-04 12:54 am (UTC)Just tell me what you need. Whatever it is, I'll do it.
no subject
on 2015-02-04 01:03 am (UTC)[It wasn't easy when he went to Cassandra. It's not any easier now.]
I have seen men fall to madness or die without it. I will not do the same. What I need is someone to ensure that I do not become a danger to those around me- and if I do, to remove me as a threat. Can you do that?
no subject
on 2015-02-04 01:06 am (UTC)Only if I must. But know that I will not give up on you without a fight, Captain.
no subject
on 2015-02-04 01:17 am (UTC)There are... signs to watch for. Forgetting things. Paranoia. Violence. I once read an account of someone who could not distinguish reality from dreams. I have been monitoring myself, but if my judgement is compromised then you will have to step in.
I regret that I have to ask this of you, but I know no one better suited to the task. I know that we were not exactly friends in Kirkwall, but I respect you a great deal.
no subject
on 2015-02-04 03:02 am (UTC)There's no sense dwelling on that. There isn't. It's not happened yet, and if she has her way (which is admittedly rarely anymore), it won't happen at all. ]
I assure you this respect is mutual. You're a good man, Cullen. I have every faith that you will rise above this, but I will be here if you fall.
no subject
on 2015-02-04 05:03 am (UTC)It's not an easy thing to ask, but it's necessary.]
Thank you.
Also, before... you called me Captain. Since I left the Order, that is no longer my rank.
no subject
on 2015-02-04 11:30 pm (UTC)I'll extend you the courtesy of dispensing with your old rank if you similarly drop my old title.
[ The mantle of champion still weighs heavy on her shoulders, even here. ]
no subject
on 2015-02-04 11:37 pm (UTC)I suppose it might be a moot point now. Regardless, I wanted to tell you that when I left the Order in Kirkwall, that was when I stopped taking lyrium. Not because I was transported here. It was a personal decision that I will continue to stand by, and so this... whatever happens on the ship the choice was originally my own. That matters to me, even if I can no longer control it.
no subject
on 2015-02-10 06:18 am (UTC)You're a braver man than most. I'm not sure if it means anything to you, or if you're even looking for it, but I'm proud of you. Whatever happens.
no subject
on 2015-02-11 08:28 pm (UTC)[He's... not sure what to say in response to that, or how to feel. Cullen remembers a woman who didn't want to be a hero, rising up and taking control of the situation, doing the right thing when he could not. How could she say such things about him now?
Sentimentality is something that they can rarely afford. Cullen forces the feeling away before replying.]
Thank you.